Liz Seeks New Beginning

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Liz Seeks New Beginning

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Posted: 4/29/2009
Note: Names, Identifying informaiton and details may have been altered to protect personal identities.

I grew up as a normal happy child until I found out I was adopted at age 11. It was like my world turned upside down overnight. My adopted parents informed me that I have an older brother and sister who stayed with my birth mother. It was a difficult time in my life and I struggled with identity issues. I had never had a good relationship with my parents, and learning I was adopted added fuel to the fire.

In the last 18 years my life has taken many wild turns. I was hooked on drugs, ran away from home several times, and defied my parents at every turn. Looking back I realize that I was trying to fill a void in my life. I grew up as an only child and my adoptive parents treated me well, but all I could think about was that my real mother had given me away. For many years I felt worthless, and that despair turned to rebellion. I defied both my parents and the law. I pushed away everybody that ever loved me and wanted nothing to do with my family. After all, I kept reminding myself they weren't my real family--and my real mom didn't want me anyway.

My life took a dramatic turn this past December when I was nearly killed by someone I believed was my friend. I was shot four times in the neck and barely survived. I am grateful to have a new lease on life, and as I lay in the hospital bed I took a hard look at my life and decided to turn it around.

I am sure that many would agree based on my past that I was very lucky, but I am full of guilt for the things I have done. I wonder why I survived with all odds pointing against me. I'm currently back living with my adopted parents. I realize now how much they do love me and that they have always wanted the best for me and given me all they could. The hate that I had for my parents is gone and I'm so full of regret for my past.

My biggest regret is not appreciating all that my family has done for me. I realize now that I have a purpose and I am trying to figure out what that purpose is. The main reason I decided to search for my birth mother and siblings is to understand and appreciate my life and all those involved. I have tried to cross the bridge to forgiveness and understanding many times, but haven't quite been able to make it across. I need to meet her and look her in the eyes and ask her why she gave me up.

I understand that she may have her reasons for not wanting to contact or meet me--in that case all I ask for is closure. I am a strong believer now that everything happens for a reason and I believe that my mother put me up for adoption looking out for my best interests. If I could just tell her one thing, I would like for her to know that I love her and I wonder every day if she ever thinks about me. I have an old photograph of her and I cannot believe our resemblance. I constantly wonder about her personality, interests, hobbies, and whether or not she had other children. I want to know if she has ever regretted the day she signed the adoption papers, and if she will let me into her life now that I am an adult.

When I contacted Search Quest America all I knew was her name and that she was 22 or 23 in 1991 when I was born. My parents were one hundred percent opposed to my search--they didn't think that finding her would bring me peace, only heartache. Nevertheless they respected my wishes and turned over the original adoption papers. They even agreed to pay for the search and my dad went with me to fax the contract. I expected the case to take several months to solve, but Patty called me only two days after the case was opened to give me my birth mother's phone number. She is still living in Oklahoma not far from where I was born.

I have waited so long to ask her all these questions, but now that I have the piece of paper in my hand with her phone number written on it, I can't seem to pick up the phone. I keep replaying my parents version of the story in my head. She was a single mother with 2 young kids. She wanted to go back to school and couldn't afford another child. So she put me up for adoption. But Patty tells me that she finished school, got remarried, and had other children. Patty called her home and left a message with her husband. He knew about me and promised to give her the message. Patty waited a few days and called back--he said he gave her the message and left it at that. She never called Patty back, so finally Patty gave me her phone number directly.

It has been one week since I first received the information from Patty. I still haven't called her. I keep thinking the worst--what if the reason she never called is because she wants nothing to do with me? I think the best thing to do is to write her a letter.

"Dear Kathy. My name is Liz, but you probably remember me as Lisa Ann. That's the name you gave me on February 1st, 1991. I'm 18 now and an adult, and for 18 years I have wondered why you gave me up for adoption. I am not angry, but I need to understand why you did it, and I need to know if you ever loved me. You see, I've had a hard life, mostly because of my own bad choices, but I'm trying to turn everything around. Finding you is a big part of the process for me. I'm sending this letter because I don't want to interrupt your life, but if you are willing I hope you will write back or call me. I want to know if I look like you and if I have siblings. I grew up as an only child and it would mean the world to me to know that I belong somewhere. I paid a lot of money to find you, and the way I see it the ball is in your court. Here is my address, email, and phone number. I hope youll call. I've always loved you. Liz."

I am going to put this letter in the mail today and then I am going to wait. I hope she will find it in her heart to write back to me. Worst case scenario I will at least know that I tried. But I'm hoping she will write me back and it will be a new beginning for us both.

(Written by Mica Burton on Lizs behalf.)
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